She Came… Twice

‘Twas about 2 am, when I decided to go to bed. “Won’t be able to fall asleep without a cigarette”, I thought, so went and lit one up. It was quiet outside. I could make out the movement of a hedgehog in the bushes. As I played along with the smoke and the amber on the end of my killers’ silhouette, I heard an unusual cough. Well it wasn’t that unusual looking around the poorly lit up street with many open windows. It was a hot day before so I assumed a neighbor just rolled over in their bed.

As I entered the room I remembered to check the stove, the lock and what not. Not that I was too keen on walking around the house, I guess these are just learned instincts. As I found nothing wrong, I started blaming myself for ever doubting myself in regards of not forgetting anything.

With the window open I made the bed, undressed and started thinking whether I want to sleep with music. As usual my brain would have been doing overtime if there’s nothing to sooth it, so naturally I started the computer that I’ve just shut down less than 10 minutes ago. Started up the music player and pressed play. I had to skip a couple of tracks ‘till I found one that felt right, so I needed to check what would come after that, to make sure I would be comfortable in bed not having to change or press anything. This takes up far too much of my time when I should be sleeping already.

When I finally figured this out, I was already craving for another good night cigarette, for more than an hour went by unnoticed. Knowing the next day I could sleep in without having to do anything too important I was easily convinced.

These are usually the moments when I figure things out. Alone with my thoughts, and the smoke. It’s too bad I go to bed right after and forget everything before the next day. I’ve many times decided that I would write down whatever comes to mind at times like this, but of course this decision was also made in the same circumstances.

This time it was a bit different though. I couldn’t think of any new puns, nor world changing inventions or technologies. All I could think about was her. The words we spoke and the ones we were afraid to. I knew I was in love, so was she, but I guess we were trying to fool ourselves that it was something that would pass. “It would make things a lot easier”, I said to myself, while pressing on the cigarette butt in the tray. Couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I’m not enthusiastic usually, so this was somewhat of a surprise. The turning point was days ago, I already knew what I was in to emotionally, but forgot what it was like. The rush I would get when getting a message even when I know she won’t be able to text me at that time.

“Well, if I’m already here and not feeling sleepy at all, might as well light up another one.” I counted what was left of the pack, with a quick calculation I reassured myself that I was well equipped and would have to leave the house only in the afternoon. I started thinking about healing myself, but couldn’t stay focused. The cigarette was about half way through when I heard someone press a button on the intercom, then another. When I heard the ringtone from inside the house I was not yet sure if it was ours or the neighbors’ but went to check anyway. Opening the door to the terrace I was immediately aware that the sound was coming from the inside, so I rushed to ask who it was, but there was no answer. Knowing that there was a problem with our device I pressed open regardless. Rushed to my room to get dressed, though I was unsure if anyone was actually coming to our house. We don’t get visitors, much less at this hour, so I figured it might have been a drunken neighbor. After putting my pants on I went back to the door to listen, but there was only silence. Checked through the peephole, but it was dark outside. With some second thoughts I decided that if I let someone in the building it was my responsibility to see what was happening, so I opened the door.

There was nobody there, so I switched on the lights and checked the other floors as well. That’s when I saw Her. She was pale and could barely stand. I rushed down the flight of stairs and embraced her. She hugged me tight to the point where it hurts. We stood there about a minute or so, the lights went off in the meantime. When she loosened her grip my first thought was to put the lights back on, but as soon as I tuned to the switch, she started running down the stairs. I tried to tell her to stop, but there was no reaction. She knew I couldn’t keep up, but tried telling her that too in vain because I heard the gate slam shut. In my own pace I hurried out on the street as well, but I remembered I hadn’t brought my keys so I didn’t let the door go. I couldn’t see her on the street, so I wouldn’t have known which way to go anyway. Turning around defeated I saw her crumbled up with her back against the wall just beside the gate. She wasn’t crying but from her makeup it was clear, that she had been before. She looked like she was in a state of shock, so as gently as I could I tried convincing her to come in. She didn’t speak a word, but after a short while I got her to nod her head. I was afraid of what she might have done to be like this, but that came second to her well being.

She seemed to come to, after a while I got her to stand up, and come inside. She hesitated a bit at the doorstep, but finally we were inside. I made her sit down, and held her hand for a while, but she was yet again unresponsive. I thought a cup of tea would help her, so I got up and started making her one listing the choice of tea leaves I had at the house, finishing the list with coffee, what I was going to have. She turned to me and only said “coffee” with a child’s voice. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling at her regardless of the given situation, but that might have just been the trick, because she smiled back. She was sober just like that - very much to my surprise - though it didn’t last long. As soon as I turned to turn on the stove, she started crying in silence but with no stopping it. I decided that crying can’t hurt her so I went on making coffee. I also got an ash tray and some napkins for her while it was boiling. I knew her troubles, just couldn’t get the thought of something sinister out of my head with a reaction this powerful on her. She was still sobbing when I placed the two cups on the table.

“One girl, one guy and two cups” I said while sitting down trying to make a reference to a viral video that caused mass hysteria on the web a couple of years back. She got it and started smiling at me. That’s when I knew she was going to be alright. She slowly calmed down and we each started to sip our coffee, though it was still too hot.  I checked to see whether there was any milk left, but sadly I knew I had none.

After a couple  sips I made like I was turning to her, though I’m quite convinced she was aware of me staring at her all along, and asked her if she “wanted to talk about it”. She nodded no, so we just sat there in silence for a while.

Much to  my surprise after a while she asked if we could listen to some music. “Sure”, I answered and went after my laptop. When I came back, she was still in her chair, with her makeup destroyed by tears, still she was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen.

Asked what she would like to listen to, but she just said whatever, so I pressed play and was reassured when I heard the playlist I assembled earlier kick in.

At that time I meant to ask her if she was alright, but it seemed like a stupid question, so I asked an even more stupid one: “what’s wrong?”

I should have anticipated her answer “Everything!” but at least it was more than “nothing”.

She drank her coffee in a hurry, and I saw her getting ready to stand up, so I told her to sit tight, because she wasn’t going anywhere. I could see she wanted to refuse, but I think I was serious enough that she gave up on the idea and put her bag aside.

Told her she was going to sleep here with me beside her no questions asked, period. I was really hoping my smile wouldn’t ruin it, but it seems that was what convinced her. I asked if she was hungry, but she said she couldn’t eat anything, so I put a chocolate bar on the table in case she changes her mind.

I tried to be as funny about it as I could, but I had to be sure, so I asked if she killed anybody. She chuckled and answered “Myself almost.”, so I was reassured it was nothing the police would be bothering us about.

She wasn’t too talkative, so I asked if she would also like some wine, but she said it was late and that we should probably go to bed, so I showed her the bedroom, and found her a XXL T-shirt to sleep in. After each taking our turns in the bathroom, I laid next to her keeping a distance from her, but I couldn’t resist temptation, so I wrapped an arm around her. She turned around and kissed me.

She must have been extremely exhausted, because in that very moment she fell asleep. I still didn’t know what to make of the night, but then I knew she was peaceful. Later my hand went numb, so I carefully pulled it out from under her being very cautious  not to wake her and turned to my other side. She grabbed my shoulder turned me right back and kissed me long and hard.

Finished my cigarette before I could think it through to the end, but here. I tried writing things down before going to sleep.